So. Absolute poker likes to comp me free tournaments. I just placed first (well, final 3, chip lead, cut a deal for the majority of the prize pool). Final settlement was over 15k. Not bad for a tournament I got in for free!!! I was dealt so many ace-kings that I considered changing my name to Mr. AK. Anyway, some highlights of the tournament below:

Best. Story. Ever. Part 2.

Once upon a time there was a princess. She lived in a...
castle. In the castle there was a dragon, but no one knew because...
he flew away one day and captured the princess. The dragon wanted...
some pussy. But the princess was like "NUUUUU." So the dragon...
went and got a donkey. And he said "Donkey or me..."
The princess summoned a giant praying mantis and it...
obliterated the donkey. The dragon realized he couldn't beat a giant praying mantis so he...
flew off into the sunset. The princess sprouted wings and followed him. But she flew too high and...
her wings snapped. She fell into...
Mr Brad's lap. But Mr. Brad was still asleep. So she jacked Mr. Brad's nuts and...
went to spain, where she met Jaeyoung the nutless panda. She was like, "Yo nigga. Wanna buy some nuts?"
He said "I'm a panda, I don't have money."
So the princess decided to steal more nuts until she had enough to...
summon the Nut Demon. Jaeyoung went up to the Nut Demon and said "HAI KAN I BORRO SOME NUTS?"
The Nut Demon does not give out nuts.
The End.

Best. Story. Ever.

Once upon a time there was a loli.
She was walking on the street.
She was wearing pink striped underwear. The kind that lolis wear.
Behind the bush was Karim the Pedobear.
Behind Karim was a cop.
Karim quickly grabbed the loli.
The cop grabbed the other loli. For... safety.
"JOHN. I GOT THE LOLI!"
"No, John. You ARE the loli."
And then John was the loli.
The end.

LOL.

Picture speaks for itself.

i love fiber

The side effects of a body building diet: feeling clean, mentally and physically. The old saying "you are what you eat" is very literal; the food you eat today becomes a part of your body tomorrow. We who eat clean, natural foods are like ferraris on a road full of shitty old junk cars. And eating loads of oatmeal and vegetables means your shits generally last 10 seconds long. I shit you not (PUN FULLY INTENDED HAR HAR HAR), I sit down and I just shit and I'm done like that.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been playing more poker recently and I'm amazed at the quality of play of some of these players at the 10 - 20$ buyin SNGs. These guys don't just bleed chips... they downright HEMMORHAGE them. Last night it was down to the final two on a $10 9-man SNG and the other guy starts pushing all in every hand, so I figure, ok, let's call him with KQ suited. He flips over 2-8 offsuit. I just go "uh wtf?" He says, "I'm tired. Wanna sleep." Note to self: playing poker at 4 in the morning is PROFITABLE..

new amp!

So up till now, I've been playing guitar through a bass amp. A nice bass amp, but a bass amp nevertheless... the highs sound like weak as shit. So I decided to spend some hard-whored monies on a sexbeast of a guitar amp. THUNDER. THUNDER. THUNDERHORSE. Worship me as your god, mortals!!!

Oh noez!

I've developed an irrational fear that there could be spider hiding under the rim of my toilet and when I sit down he's think it's dark and safe to come out and crawl on my butt.

I think I'll be shitting in a sink for about a month.

Dear Blog

Dear blog,
Today I ate a pita. It fell apart.
The end.